“Anyone who has ‘it’s complicated’ or worse yet, doesn’t list a status at all, might have baggage — or a crazy boyfriend — you want no part of.”

Really?

I don’t list a relationship status because if you know me even a little bit, you already know the kinds of relationships I have. And if you don’t know me at all, I’d rather you spend some time getting to know me rather than glance at a multiple-choice answer that might mean something different to you than it does to me. Especially considering how many different types of arrangements fit into the category I’d have to pick.

I hope that doesn’t make me high-maintenance.

Some people don’t list their relationship status in an attempt, however vain, to keep the information away from advertisers. Some include their status but don’t reveal it to anyone outside a designated category of contacts. Some list an erroneous status. Some don’t want people to know how often their relationship status changes.

How sad to miss out on a great connection just because a person doesn’t feel like summing up their love life in fewer than five words – from a template, not their heart — in a social networking profile.

I know I’m taking the piece too seriously. The “top 10 list” articles are about generating page views (you have to click to a new page for each of the 10 tips) and exposing as much advertising as possible (ads appear between pages, on top of the tip text, and on all four sides of the article space). They attempt to provide just enough entertainment to keep you clicking, but not so much that you can’t bear to click on an ad and go watch a movie trailer or shop for razors.

Besides, we have a story in my family that sheds a different light on the whole relationship status thing.

My parents met when they both worked for the same law firm during college. When my dad first asked my mom out, mom said, “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” Dad just smiled his devilish smile and replied. “That’s okay. All my girlfriends have had boyfriends.” There was laughter and a suggestion about calling him if the boyfriend didn’t work out.

That Friday, the boyfriend didn’t show up. My mom, a good Catholic girl, waited an appropriate interval (about half an hour, I think) and then gave dad a call. They’ve now been married for 41 years. (And no, dad had not arranged for anything to happen to the boyfriend. It was just good timing.)

You simply can’t tell someone’s true relationship status from a check box.

I figured it would, as the OhMiBod toys vibrate in response to audio, whether music or voice or random environmental sounds (depending on which toy you get). But you never know for sure unless you ask, so I called and spoke with co-founder Brian Vatter. “People already love to use the [wireless OhMiBod] Freestyle for voice, and adding video is remarkably relevant to the conversation,” he said. “It adds that third dimension. It’s a perfect fit.”

We also talked about Steve Jobs and his efforts to protect you from pornography and sex, and the struggle to get OhMiBod apps into iTunes, and whether Brian will be developing apps for Android OS in the near future. (You don’t need an app to use OhMiBod vibrators with any music player, but that’s not the point.)

In the meantime, Debby shares her experience and offers tips for getting the most out of your iThingie.

The Best (Phone) Sex of Your Life
The first thing that strikes you about FaceTime is that the image quality is incredible. Instead of some blurred-out cluster of pixels, your partner looks touchably real. You can see small movements and subtle expressions quickly flitting across faces. The second thing that subtly blows your mind is actually something you don’t notice: Because the screen and camera are essentially in the same place, you end up looking at your partner directly, skipping that weird sensation that you’re both staring at some point off in the distance. This leads to gazing, to intimacy, to locked eyes searching for glimmers of love, sadness, hurt, or mischievous excitement. And we all know where that leads: It’s a direct flight to Gettin’ Busytown.

[[Update: Debby posted her "author's cut" review on her own site, with more juicy details. Click here to read it at MySexProfessor.com.]]

Chatroulette Enlists Shawn Fanning In The Fight Against The Masturbators
Can Chatroulette become something more? Look for feature changes soon that will try to send all those penises to the background. The service may add software that can quickly scan video to determine if a penis is being shown. And users that are consistently quickly skipped over (presumably because they are exposing themselves or otherwise being disgusting) can be flagged as well. With those and other changes Chatroulette may be able to put people who actually want to talk to each other in touch much more often.

You know what’s encouraging about this story? No, not the software, although I can think of a number of cool uses for that kind of app. It’s that people still try out new places to talk sexy to each other on the internet.

And you know me, I don’t freak out about penis photos. It’s not the penises themselves that bug me, it’s the rudeness of impinging upon other people’s experience, whether through deliberation or cluelessness. I don’t care if you’re flooding the service with pictures of cocks or kittens — it’s simply not polite to impose.

In other words, it’s another consumer-level entry into the realm of internet-enabled appliances. Also known as teledildonics. Only in this case it’s a little bit sneaker than systems like HighJoy.

Unlike the industrial robot arm of the telerobotic garden of 1996, which let you water seedlings by controlling a robot over the internet, a hand is actually a sexual body part. But it’s not immediately sexual in the way a vibrator or butt plug is. And this particular manifestation will be relatively affordable: about $100 each, according to The Independent.

That means it will get a ton of press and start to infiltrate sitcoms and talk shows and CSI:Wherever and get people more accustomed to the idea that tech-enabled touch is not necessarily a gateway to a Terminator or Matrix universe. Even the mainstream press has started hinting that the hand will have implications for social media and online dating services.

Of course, that’s the zinger at the end, the subversive afterthought, the application that must be implied but not stated. Like all technological developments that have obvious sexual components, the initial use will apparently be among the most benign of circumstances.

“Although they can show their care through phone calls, physical touch is still a better way to express love. With the system, elderly people and their children and grandchildren can touch and hold hands via the internet and show affection directly,’ Liu said [according to this article].

I wonder why people assume that grandma’s first use of such technology would be to communicate with the grandkids? Does anyone really believe that sexuality ends the moment a grandchild is born? I can think of at least five things I plan to do with a telerobotic hand when I’m 80, and that’s without even trying. If, by then, the hand will be attached to a complete body running on the latest EmotIntel™ operating system, so much the better.

I suppose you and I should prepare to speak to another round of panic about technological touch replacing human connection.

On a personal note, re-reading some of my past columns about teledildonics made me nostalgic. How long ago it all seems!

Online Dating Meets Cybersex, 2005

Ins and Outs of Teledildonics, 2004

Second Life Gets Sexier, 2006

Objections range from the glasses the viewers would have to wear to the excruciating detail that’s possible to capture in high definition 3D video.

Have these folks not seen Avatar? No, I’m not saying that IMAX 3D and James Cameron’s budget should become the new porn standard. But I do think that Avatar used its 3D wisely, in ways that translate well to erotic film. Think of how the little flower-spores drifted around us when the soldier first met the warrior. (That’s all I’m going to say as it’s already a spoiler; you’ll have to see it and you’ll know what I mean.)

Take a porn scene on the edge of a swimming pool. Couldn’t you extend the deck into the 3D space, perhaps add a deck chair to the right of the viewer and a side table to his left? If there’s a splash, let some of the droplets flutter around him? Surround him with sound. Put him in the set, if not into the sexual performance, and don’t overdo it. If he’s alone and the scene is done well, he’s going to forget he’s wearing the glasses.

Besides, a lot of us have to wear glasses to watch video. You get used to them in about 10 minutes. Home-based 3D is improving all the time, and people are going to start demanding — and then purchasing — good, solid 3D glasses. And they will get used to wearing them.

Extend the idea further to the guys who have a Virtual Sex Machine or a Real Touch device. Both of these products add physical stimulation keyed to video, with the video often shot in first person, to give the illusion that you are the guy in the scene. This sounds like the perfect opportunity to experiment with 3D. You have a guy willing to deal with buying and setting up a sucking/stroking/warming/squeezing machine, willing to put himself into the action as best he can despite the crudity of the current state of the art. A subtle use of 3D is just the thing to extend his experience.

The challenge is convincing adult producers to do it right.

New in Labs: “Got the wrong Bob?”
Ever included Bob (your boss) instead of Bob (your friend) on an email by accident? Oops! Turn on “Got the wrong Bob?” and Gmail will check if you meant to include Bob Smith rather than Bob Jones based on the groups of people you email most often.

Of course Google can’t say “Ever included Bob (your boss) instead of Bob (online hottie in which you are engaging in a torrid, multimedia erotic extravaganza) on an email by accident?” but you know that’s what they mean.

One caveat: If you’ve ever tried to use Undo or Send Later or any other feature to help you send to the right person, you already know that it does not take long to get so used to the confirmation dialog that you end up clicking it by habit, thus preventing it from preventing you from doing something stupid.

In order for any of these life-saving tools to work, you have to meet them halfway by slowing down and reading the address or addresses in all of your To, CC, and BCC fields. Just like with sex, the technology cannot replace the human brain.

The interactive version lets you put green pins in all the countries you’ve visited and purple pushpins in those countries you’d like to visit. Then you save it and sent the link to all your friends…perhaps with an invitation to join you on your journey? It’s nifty and fun and easy to update as you go. However, like all cybersex, it lacks one thing: touch.

So now he’s offering it as a real-life, shiny, caressable poster for a mere $12 USD. To do that he’s collecting pre-orders for a minimum print run of 50. Here’s the info, pasted from the order form:

The Map of Human Sexuality is a poster and interactive Web site intended to show in a humorous way the scope and extent of the human sexual experience. Hang it on the wall, and push pins into it to show where you’ve been!

Poster specifications: 24″ by 36″ offset printed on 100# gloss paper.

ORDER FORM

NOTE: This is a pre-order. Posters will be printed when the pre-order sales reach 50 copies. If enough pre-order sales are not made by March 2009, the entire pre-order price (including shipping) will be refunded.

Posters will ship 12 business days after the threshold has been met. Pre-orders may be signed. If you would like your copy signed, please say so in the “Special Instructions” section of the checkout page!

Besides, sex supplies do make wonderful gifts. Like books and DVDs, your recipient can enjoy them again and again. And if you’re giving them to a lover, why, it’s also gift for you and for the relationship. How efficient! Everybody wins! Hey, you could even package them with a copy of Sexier Sex, which is chock-full of creative and practical things you can DO with your new sexy doodads. (Not to mention, it stimulates my personal economy, as every book sold gives me a better chance when I pitch the next one … LOL)

I’m sure all the sex stores have their own gift guides to help you select items for lovers, siblings (yes, sisters give each other vibrators), friends. My personal preferences, for gifts, lean toward quality and beauty in equal measure. Especially toward items a person might not buy for themselves. I’ll list some brands below, with the caveat that some are (significantly) more expensive than others, and that some are more effective than others depending on how you use them. That is, an Elemental Pleasures vibrator or an Eroscillator deliver more effective vibrations than the rubber duckies at Big Teaze, but they’re also several times the cost and are much more serious than a black rubber duckie in a purple boa. Likewise, I have a beautiful LELO vibrator with flowers painted on it that feels wonderful in the palm of my hand whether it’s on or off. I feel sensual and romantic when I stroke it, but it doesn’t do much for me as a vibrator.

My list mostly links to the brand website; you can get most of these products from various sex stores, or from Amazon or Drugstore.com. Note that these are not the only great sex gifts available. They are items I’ve used personally and feel good about recommending.

In order only of memory, not of preference:

Big Teaze Toyz cute vibrators
OhMiBod music-driven vibrators
nJoy stainless steel toys
Liberator shapes
Monkey Rocker gliders
ForYourNymphomation toy storage
Natural Contours pretty vibrators
LELO pretty vibrators
Onyx Game
Bliss Game for Lovers
Tantus dildos
O’my flavored lubes
JT Stockroom leather ‘n’ more
Kink.com subscriptions
The Guide to Getting It On (new edition)

Edited: I thought of more nifty sex-tech during dinner…

Aneros toys
Fleshlight male stimulator
Logitech webcam and Skype (free!)
RetroRaunch vintage porn subscription
Click Fore Play erotic audio drama (with sexy British accents)

Tons more, but I don’t want to keep adding things, especially if that makes this post go out on the feeds over and over again. Please feel free to add your sex-tech wish lists/recommendations in the comments!

Sending good vibrations over the Internet
Cyber sex isn’t just the late-night pastime of techno-tarts, sex addicts and pedophiles.
[snip]

“That mental and emotional connection you make during cybersex, even when you’re just typing words or sending emoticons or photos, makes the body respond. Now there’s a physical device that — albeit still too clunky — your partner can control, which augments the experience,” says Regina Lynn, a Los Angeles-based columnist for Wired magazine.

“It not only bridges the gap between mental and physical, but now you can be stimulated without typing one-handed.”

Can’t make it home for a lunchtime romp with your lover? Why not put a “do not disturb” sign on your office door and log in to a private chat room for a cyber-quickie with your spouse?

“It’s a nice way to send that extra-special message home from work,” says Lynn. “Or if you’re a soldier, you can schedule time at home with your wife and connect intimately.”
[snip]

Techno-tart? I think I want a t-shirt that has that emblazoned across the chest.

You can use the keyboard and drumpad (which looks like the Simon Says game) to create your own sounds for the OhMiBod vibrator to respond to, or bring in music tracks for a richer experience. I haven’t figured out yet how to grant someone else control of my OhMiBod but I’m pretty sure that’s the point of the HUD, it being teledildonics and all.

Tomorrow is the official demo and launch so today’s top-secret, available-only-if-you-know-who-to-sleep-with HUD might not even be fully functional; after work I’ll test it out with my OhMiBod and see what I can figure on my own.

But it’s pretty, with a look-and-feel that matches the OMB rather than some weird cybertechno design or , and the big buttons are easy to click even for a Second Life dabbler like me. I was able to hear the music when another friend played with his copy of the HUD, which I like – if someone else is using music to control my vibrator, I want the whole room to hear. Heh.

You can use your OMB with Second Life without this HUD, by plugging it into the audio jack and going anywhere in-world with music or sound. But this promises to add that extra dimension of erotic connection between people.

The live party is at a private house and I’m not in charge of the guest list, but you can attend in Second Life, at Sextoy Dave’s Party Place in Eros the North Pole, home of Virtually Adult.* They’re doing all those Hollywood Lifestyle things (live and virtual), with strippers and celebrities and giveaways and DJs and swimming pools, but the important thing is the OhMiBod / Second Life HUD is finally out of NDA and that means I can talk about it.

For now, I’ll stick with the press release description, as I haven’t seen it in action (and Brian and Kevin, why haven’t I, hrmmmmm?).

The new interface uses a specially designed heads-up display (HUD) to control OhMiBod technology virtually. Players can get the HUD for free at Strokerz Toyz and VirtuallyAdult (two adult stores within Second Life) as well as at virtual social events sponsored by the OhMiBod Squad.

Once activated, the OhMiBod HUD allows the player to create music to affect the patterns of vibration, as well as control the intensity of those vibrations. Back in the real world, the OhMiBod also reacts to the music played at virtual events, where avatar DJs spin music at raves, parties, and nightclubs.

I’m not very good at publicly documenting things while I experience them, although my thorough test of the horrible Blowguard — a blowjob accessory so awful I didn’t even publish my response to it — proves that I can take pages and pages of notes with old-fashioned pens and paper while actually, er, testing.

But I’m going to ask my companions to remind me to twitter the OhMiBod demo if I have cell service up there. My Tweets aren’t public so you’ll have to request to follow me by, oh, noon on Saturday, so that I can approve you (and I won’t be hurt if you un-follow after the event, no commitment expected, heh).

*Correction from the organizers: SexToyDaves Party Place isn’t on Eros, it is at the North Pole, home of Virtually Adult. This is also where we will premiere the brand new Virtual Vending system that allows you to purchase real life products using virtual currency, in this case Lindens. What this does as you can see, is allows anyone in a virtual world to be anonymous with their purchase history, much like the “plain brown wrapper”!

The Love Bunnies [Facebook] app lets you create a pet Love Bunny which you can name and use to flirt with, and even have Bunny babies with other bunnies.

At any time you can buy your personal named Love Bunny for real (in vibrator form), which comes delivered complete with its unique Love Bunny birth certificate.

More at the Love Bunnies website, plus this cute video that doesn’t actually tell you much.

I’m gonna get one and will let you know what I think.

The Explorers Blog announces that Canadian sex ed site Sexuality and U is now using Browsealoud, software that reads the site content aloud for you. You can also record the audio to MP3 for later listening — sort of like TiVo for your sex ed.

Young women outnumber young men in social media, says Rapleaf, which I found through ReadWriteWeb. Who’s surprised? I’ve always felt that girls are more likely to express themselves in writing, to keep journals and diaries, to discuss everything in excruciating detail with other girls … it’s not going to change just ’cause it’s gone all electronic ‘n’ stuff.

I do think it’s interesting that LinkedIn, of which I was an early adopter and still a big fan (despite a backlog of updates and communications; I’m sorry folks I’ve been so slammed for so long!), is still mainly male. I wouldn’t lump it in with other “social networks” though. I still think of it as a professional networking site, and while professional and social do blend quite a bit, putting LinkedIn in the same category with Facebook or MySpace seems too broad. I would never flirt with someone on LinkedIn, so to my mind, it’s not social. Funny to realize that’s my barameter!

Lucrezia Magazine highlights a new robot who responds to love and abuse in similar ways to human response. It relaxes when it receives affection and gets anxious when it is hit or yelled at. The idea is that artificial emotional intelligence is not as far away as we might think, and that this teddy bear is a forerunner of an interactive sex doll.

Boyfriend X Misses the Mark

The scary part about taking your sex-tech project to the mainstream is that on the long, hard journey from quirky to safe, you risk wrecking the very thing that made you special.

Then, when the Bowdlerized version doesn’t do well, the backlash affects everyone in the sex-tech space, not just the particular application or product. “See?” say the analysts and the venture capitalists and the advertisers. “That’s why we don’t back sex things.”

Then when there’s a new sex thing they cautiously express interest about, the developers bend over backwards to show how nonthreatening and comfortable it really is.

Ah, the cycle of romantic startups.

Cont’d @ Wired