It’s a feature about having great sex at any age (although it starts with the 20s and ends with the 50s “and beyond”). The cute thing is that they gave Dr. Ruth and me a mini-bio at the end, with our photos, and we have very similar glasses and smiles.

I showed it to my grandpa, who is 94, saying “Look, Grandpa, they picked me to be the other source, right next to Dr. Ruth!” And he said that he had “heard of her.” And then: “I wish you would do something I could brag about.” Even he realized how that sounded — and yes, he is proud of me, that’s not what he meant — so he rushed to explain. “I can’t really tell my tablemates [at the retirement village] about my sex granddaughter.”

Why not? Dr. Ruth is 81 if she’s had her birthday this year. If she can be respectable and sexy at the same time, why can’t I?

We’d provide horses and Parelli Natural Horsemanship foundational instruction for the women to build relationships with those horses. (PNH is perfect because you learn so much about love, communication, relationship give and take, responsibility — and not just as it pertains to horses. Wimmens dig it.) Probably we’d have to have a side business of buying and selling horses, for women who fall in love with a particular one. The only way to afford that is to rescue horses and let horses and humans heal each other.

We’d have a variety of other girl stuff – hiking, swimming, yoga, gourmet food, wine tasting, writing workshops, reading room, fast internet, sex ed. Oh yes, sex ed. And I’m not just talking about health information, although that’s important too.

Sex-tech workshops, for starters. (See? I’m on topic!) This is where women can discover, or rediscover, their sexuality, their pleasure, their power. Whether they want to jump right back into dating and/or sex, or keep sex a solo experience for a while, or become an online burlesque performer — whatever a woman wants to learn and even try next, she could learn about it here. Everything I’ve ever covered in the column, the books, the radio — we’d let the topics emerge from the clients in addition to a set seminar schedule to provide structure for those who don’t even know what they want to know.

Put Monkey Rockers in the guest cabins. Hand out gift bags from Babeland, Good Vibrations, Stockroom — whoever is our sponsor that week.

I’d have to set up in Colorado, I think, or Montana; much as I’d like to stay in California, it’s too expensive. Ditto Florida. Mexico would be ideal but I’d hate to add the logistics of passports and international travel to a woman going through an intense breakup. OTOH would you really want to be somewhere it snows? O! the logistics!

It’s amazing, how many women I’ve met since I bought my horse who also got back into horses in their late 30s to late 50s after a divorce. They look back and think “I gave up my horse dreams to get married, raise kids, have a career … and now I’m starting a new phase of my life and dammit it’s going to have horses in it.” That’s simplifying it a bit, but you know there’s an element of truth there.

(Which makes me realize I don’t know what the men do. Sports cars? Motorcycles? Sex with improbably young things? Completely break down without a woman to take care of them?)

Hilarious.

freeze in new york – grand central station

note that because it’s not sex-tech, it’s possible this is an ancient internet meme that’s already made the rounds a billion times and spawned 407 imitators, but i haven’t seen it until today.

Never mind the songs I assigned to my online specials.

This week my phone was stolen on the plane. (Hey, I’m sure I dropped it originally, but if no one turned it in to the lost and found or to security or even just switched it on and called some of my contacts to find out who I was, it was stolen.) And I’m thinking that to buy my ringtones again, it’s going to cost $20. That’s not going to break the bank … but having already bought, and then re-bought, that brings my ringtone expenditures up to what, $50 or so?

Is it worth it? I have become rather Pavolovian about the ringtones, responding with joy or anxiety, depending on which snippet sounds. It’s hard to imagine putting up with the pre-set ringers in the phone, or not customizing the tones to the contact so I know whether to answer it at all.

But. The price of a ringtone is already quadruple what it should be, and this would be the third time for the Lyle tunes.

I guess it boils down to this: how lazy am I? I could probably figure out a way to use my replacement microSD card to house some MP3 snippets from my hard drive. Or use the voice memo feature to record something from my speakers.

I’m just grateful that I back up my contacts online.