My alumni magazine reports that a UC Davis professor of communications published a book about “applied interpersonal communication,” which here means “flirting and carrying on,” in which he found reasons for why a female “no” sounds like “yes” to many young men.

He notes that when a woman says “it’s getting late” as a way to stop or slow escalation of sexual intimacy, her male partner may hear “let’s speed things up.” The male interprets her indirect communication by imagining what he would mean if he voiced the same words.

In other words, each judges the other by themselves, a common human trait that gets us into all sorts of trouble.

However, when a person is direct (”Stop”), the other person is more likely to get it for what the person means, vs when a person is indirect (”I have a partner”).

In Sexier Sex, I noted that women who say “just dinner” need to stick to it, no matter how much they then decide they want to have sex, because otherwise it just trains others to persist in the face of adversity. “Ah ha!” they think. “The thought has crossed her mind! I’m winning!”

If you change your mind and want it, call ‘em tomorrow and go for it — before breakfast if necessary, eh? Or, if you have the slightest suspicion you might be open to sex, don’t set up the dinner date as “just dinner.” Women shouldn’t have to be coy about sexuality, pretending one hunger to justify another.

On air, we talked a bit about how being direct does not have to mean being hurtful, rude, snide, or snarky.

“We need to stop here, as we’ve reached a line I don’t want to cross,” is honest and not hurtful of feelings. “It’s getting late” is vague and leads to misunderstanding and possibly regrets or deliberate manipulation. “You’re disgusting and I never want your tongue in my mouth again” is direct but insulting. Even if it’s true.

We’ve all been there, of course. I’ve had accidental makeout and accidental sex in my life, before I knew it was okay to say no to someone who wanted to. (I know, I know, silly of me. But those experiences taught me otherwise and I don’t regret them. Not even Jeremy Blow-n-Go, about which I’m finally not even embarrasssed.)

But man I tell you whut, women are taught from such an early age never to be direct, never to risk “hurting someone’s feelings,” and they (we) end up causing so much more annoyance/pain/frustration for everyone involved because of our dancing around. Men learn early on that if they just keep pushing, they can wear women down into a yes, because it’s easier for her than to stay true to her own desires and communicate them honestly and respectfully and, yes, kindly.

That’s a skill you can learn and practice online, by the way, if it’s hard for you to speak up directly in person.