Kind of an oddball week for Sex in the News (playboy radio, afternoon advice with tiffany granath, 11am pacific, sirius channel 198), with several international stories bringing laughter and puzzlement to the fishbowl.

First, though, I have to clear up a misunderstanding: While I did squeal with delight at the chance to flash my ass at Tiffany and the girls, my bruise is actually on the side of my hip. I include a photo here showing some leg for scale and to correct the misconception of the position of said contusion.

[[If you're reading this from my day job, please note that yes, I took this in a bathroom, and I cropped most of it out but left in just enough leg to show the scale. I'm sorry that means my sensible cotton panties are visible. It's for medicinal purposes, not porn. Besides, when I cropped closer so as not to show panties, then I looked naked, which of course would be entirely inappropriate. If you are from my day job and find this inappropriate, don't click the Read More link. If you do, you've asked for it, and I refuse to be fired over it. Heh. ]]

And now, on to the news…

Englishwoman Kerry Norris has been fined £315 for having illegally loud sex all night long on a regular basis with her boyfriend Adam Hinton. Neighbors complained to the city council, saying that one couple’s children had to sleep in the front room to avoid the noise, while another neighbor’s four-year-old has nightmares and wets the bed “because of what she heard.” It’s not just body noises; apparently the couple yells “obscenities” and bangs the headboard against the wall until 6am.

My question is: Why fine only Kerry and not the boyfriend?

A Chinese man had a penis accident in Lan Tian park in Hong Kong this weekend, when he decided to have sex with a park bench and got stuck in the hole. Apparently the blood couldn’t flow back out of his penis once he got hard and officials on the scene could not extricate him. They ended up cutting the bench and taking it, with him still entwined, to the hospital, where it took four hours to cut him loose. Another hour and they’d have had to amputate the penis, not just the bench.

Back in England, a couple has been suspended from work after having sex in an office. The two employees of Unity Partnership, contracted to improve public services by the Oldham Metropolitan Borough Council, apparently forgot that windows facing to the outside count too when sneaking a morning quickie at work. After about 20 minutes, outside passersby notified management, who went in and stopped “the incident.” The police seem to have reprimanded the lovers but didn’t charge them with anything; it’s the employer that is figuring out what steps to take.

In Sweden, the state-run chain store Apoteket began in June to carry vibrators and “other items” for adults. Two claims were filed with the country’s equal opportunities ombudsman that the store violates sex discrimination laws by carrying “only female sex aids.”

One said that Apoteket was guilty of double standards, giving a “misguided and untrue view on sexuality where a woman with a dildo is seen as liberated, strong and independent, whereas a man with a blow up plastic vagina is viewed as disgusting and perverted.”

But the company has defended its decision, saying it would stock sex toys for men if there were any good ones on the market.

The claims were thrown out, but both sides show a disappointing ignorance about the whole concept of sex toys. All sex toys are for all sexes, although of course some work better for certain body parts than others. But you can use them with partners, you can use them on body parts they aren’t primarily intended for (e.g., a male masturbation sleeve on a slim female forearm), and you can give them as gifts to people of the sex you think most likely to gain pleasure from them.

Apoteket also says it would carry toys for men if any “good quality” ones existed. Apparently they have yet to learn about Aneros, Fleshlight, nJoy, and a whole slew of awesome lubes and creams designed specifically for putting someone’s hand on someone’s penis. I think I’ll drop their spokeswoman an email about this, actually.

From down under: an entire generation of young successful career singles say that they’d rather have “a partner and a happy home” than “a successful career,” as if the two things are mutually exclusive. I admit, I ranted a bit at the part about this group reporting that they have too much spare time. I believe I said something along the lines of “there’s a cure for too much spare time, y’know.” Tiffany said “Sex?” and I said “Volunteer.” She said “after their long day at work?” I said “They say they have too much spare time and they’d rather have a happy home and a partner than career success, so why not go do good stuff and keep an eye out for a partner who doesn’t confuse happiness with money?”

The demographic also reports higher levels of smoking, drinking, and overspending than other groups — all habits that to contribute to feeling like you are stressed, depressed, lonely and have unfulfilling spare time. Other groups, including couples without kids and adults with kids, reported higher levels of satisfaction than the no kids young folks. But I worry a bit about that. Kids aren’t something you can have in your spare time and put away when you have other stuff to do.

Speaking of spare time. Playgirl magazine is ceasing publication soon, and Boinkology has an interesting comment thread about whether it’s time for another magazine to take its place, one with naked men and intelligent sexual conversation and interesting topics that appeal to women. Or whether women can get what we need from romance novels and the internet.

Jamye Waxman, who wrote an excellent advice column for the magazine for several years, muses about its demise on her blog and notes that in the UK, there’s a magazine that does what Playgirl should have done, and that’s very good: Scarlet. It’s the first I’ve heard of it so I’m going to check it out.

I subscribed to Playgirl for a few years, when Jill S— was the managing editor, and it was surprisingly good. The writing was good, the topics interesting, the articles different from regular women’s magazines. But when Jill left, the articles disintegrated; not just in content and quality but in very basic things like spelling and grammar.

They did some smart things about the picture content, re-using archive material in blasts-from-the-pasts and adding a celebrity section with fuzzy stills taken from movies. That let them provide more content without spending as much money (particularly the archives, which they already owned), but when the articles go bad, it brings the whole magazine down.

My guess is the money side didn’t want to fund enough editors or hire experienced editors and that the staff was working so hard to write content at all, no one had time/brain cells left for content and copy editing. But still. Joke about reading Playwhatever for the articles all you want, but without good ones, a women’s magazine isn’t going to succeed.