Having taken a step into a new phase of my life, in which I know about sex parties and dungeons and swinger clubs and Hedonism resorts — all of which happen offline, can you believe it? — I’ve been learning a new vocabulary for talking about sex.
Events people attend in hopes of having sex or being near people having sex or watching from a polite distance as people engage in kink, fetish and sex … this is often called a “play party.” (Here’s my article on attending my first and only offline sex party to date.) The sexual activities at these events are often called “play.” (Unless it’s kinky, in which case it’s “a scene.”)
Play as a metaphor makes sense in a couple of ways. At group events, there’s a theatrical element as voyeurs and exhibitionists find each other, and as tops and bottoms stage scenes. It’s also often about joyful abandonment into sensation and imagination, and it sometimes includes toys, and it’s something we do together with a person or people we love. Play also distinguishes party and friend sex from deep meaningful lovemaking with a committed partner.
Play is a gentle word to use in the media and with friends, to emphasize that your activity does not threaten anyone or cause harm to the community.
I wonder, sometimes, if using the play metaphor - and I do, all the time, when discussing such things, for the reasons listed above - also implies that we have something to hide or that we’re uncomfortable admitting that it’s sex. Does it make it sound like people who “play” don’t actually take sex seriously? That we’re ignoring its role as a serious expression and confirmation of love, intimacy, truth? Even though we know perhaps more than anyone that sex can be all those things and more, including light-hearted fun, a means of control, a recreational weight loss strategy, and many other things besides.
I’ve never heard anyone refer to cybersex as play, or cyberplay, or virtual play. Yet you’d think “play” applies even more to cyberspace because good cybersex does require building scenes, sharing imagination, creating a sexual space out of nothing. Especially if you’re in a 3D world, even an adults-only 3D world, which is kinda like a game, kinda …except that anyone who ever had an online relationship knows how far from “play” those connections are.
4 responses so far ↓
1 Cock Wrangler // Jul 22, 2008 at 10:09 am
I just wrote about the word “play” as used to denote kinky scenes/interactions here: http://blog.edenfantasys.com/2008/07/17/word-of-the-week-play/
I’m often bothered by this word because of the same theatrical element that makes it work in some contexts, and because of the associations with childhood. Can’t adults have our own word for activities?
2 Nobilis // Jul 23, 2008 at 3:48 am
Cock Wrangler, the English language is a fluid, adaptable thing. Words can have multiple meanings, depending on context. (Look up “set” in the dictionary sometime)
But…
You can also make up words. The hard part is getting other people to use them. If you want a new word, pick one out, use it, and if you’re very VERY lucky, you’ll create a new meme that spreads and eventually (decades from now) gets into the dictionary.
English is a stuffy old language. It doesn’t have enough gentle words for sex, in general. As an author I run up against this problem constantly. It’s probably one of the biggest challenges of writing erotica. It’s no surprise to me that folks in other situations have trouble with the words.
3 Brad K // Aug 1, 2008 at 8:18 am
Regina, There is another connotation to ‘play’. While many people think of childhood play as ‘get out of my kitchen and out of my hair for ten minutes’ time, or maybe ‘Whee! 15 minutes away from parent’s or teacher’s glaring, watchful eye’, in reality, play is learning time for kids. Usually with some structure as to what toys (tools, lessons) are available, or just development of motor skills and maybe social skills through random or semi-directed interactions and activities.
In college and later I found much of my interest in porn was educational. I had heard of various acts and toys, but seeing things in action helped me understand Tab A and Slot B.
There is probably a certain element of self-directed learning in a semi-structured (selected activities, companions) environment. Some exploration and development of motor skills and body responses will occur, some social and interpersonal interactions will occur. Play.
And just like the playground at elementary school, you need to beware of bullies, of thoughtless pranks, and the occasional accident. Play.
Makes sense to me.
4 Xylitol // Aug 1, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I think to a degree, “sex” is a bit ambiguous of a word. Well, perhaps that’s not what I think, I think it’s too specifically defined but in too many non-overlapping ways. Using it can turn out to mean too many different things to whomever you’re hearing it from or saying it to. “Play” is more ambiguous, but a word that admits its ambiguosity up front without shame. In a sexual context, it can mean virtually anything that isn’t nothing. No one will say “But you said earlier you wanted to *play* and now this is the direction you’re taking it in?”. No one will assume anything specific if you invite “play”.
I’m not sure if this shouldn’t have another word, but I think it’s a rather good choice. “Fool around” or “make out” are perhaps the older version although they sort of imply stopping short of a number of activities. Also, “play” describes the broader spectrum of sex pretty well - there are many parallels between fun sex and childish playfulness. I dunno, perhaps a better word will come up.