From a long Wall Street Journal story:
Is This Man Cheating on His Wife?
Nearly 40% of men and 53% of women who play online games said their virtual friends were equal to or better than their real-life friends, according to a survey of 30,000 gamers conducted by Nick Yee, a recent Ph.D. graduate from Stanford University. More than a quarter of gamers said the emotional highlight of the past week occurred in a computer world, according to the survey, which was published in 2006 by Massachusetts Institute of Technology Press’s journal Presence.
Um, the people one talks to online are … people. You’re going to come tell me that Mike and I, who have been dear friends for 12 years and who have spent a total of what, 12 weeks in person together in that time, are somehow “less than” the friends who happen to live in the same city as I do? And that everyone I met at the SLCC this past weekend has suddenly now vaulted into a “real friend” status, because we’ve managed to touch each other’s skin?
I understand that lots of people have no interest in making friends online. That’s fine. But don’t go around telling me that my relationships are inferior because they start online, migrate online, or stay online. And don’t insist that I would be better served trying to become best friends with the people on my block, because while they are all nice people and we wave and smile and stuff, we have very, very little in common.
“There’s a fuzziness that’s emerging between the virtual world and the real world,” says Edward Castronova, associate professor in the Department of Telecommunications at Indiana University, Bloomington.”
It’s always been fuzzy. It’s just taking most people a lot longer to catch up to the early adopters, the intuitive, emotional, communicative types who are drawn to virtual spaces. Those folks for whom relationships are so important, they find them everywhere, always connecting with other humans, sharing stories, forming ties.
If virtual spaces don’t work for you, great, you have a whole physical world to explore. If virtual spaces do work for you, great, you have an opportunity to build worlds the way you want them. But I hope you don’t let anyone “rank” your relationships by some stupid criteria like proximity.
I am sounding pretty defensive here, I guess, but I’m so tired of this dance around what is “real” and what is “fantasy” and what is “virtual” and so on. (And frankly, I’m just tired; the storms and plane problems to and from Chicago mean I’ve gone 5 intense days a total of about 16 hours of sleep.)
It’s all people.
And this people is going to bed now.
8 responses so far ↓
1 ChelleMoore // Aug 28, 2007 at 12:12 am
In regards to “virtual friends were equal to or better than their real-life friends”
My “virtual friends” are my friends. I’m a cancer survivor and during the time I was in treatment, most if not all of my “real-life friends” suddenly became non-existent. My virtual friends were there for me every day, supportive and caring, much more than I can say for those supposed real life friends.
For some people with illness and disabilities, sometimes the internet and the people they meet online are all they have.
2 Dr_OM // Aug 28, 2007 at 2:18 am
I agree with you, I am a severe Social Phobic and I can’t leave the house without someone to help me. The people I meet online are more supportive and encouraging to me than even my own family and “real life” friends.
3 Nobilis // Aug 28, 2007 at 4:44 am
The communication may be less than ideal but the friendships are not.
4 cyberkyst // Aug 28, 2007 at 8:19 am
I’m an avid blogger, and the relationships I’ve cultivated through my blog are very real to me. Those people are my support system when the world is falling apart around me, my cheerleaders when things are amazing and easily some of the best friends I’ve ever had.
I cannot understand people who cannot accept how real that connection can be! It’s just another medium, like the telephone. (Don’t even get me started on the debate about whether or not people can really fall in love with people they know online!!)
5 ChelleMoore // Aug 28, 2007 at 11:53 am
Cyberkyst,
We do fall in love online, my now fiance and I are a perfect example. We met in SL last October. He came to visit me in New Jersey in March for our SL wedding, which we both took very seriously. In May, I moved to Chicago to be with him, and this past weekend at the SLCC ball he proposed! I’ve never been happier and I know he feels the same!
Just because relationships are formed online does not mean they aren’t real feelings. I really hope that very soon that becomes a more understood concept.
6 jenllip // Aug 31, 2007 at 12:46 am
I have often had trouble figuring out when I’m “in love” and what that means. I think it’s a tricky thing to feel, be it for someone in real life or only online.
My benchmark, however, which for me completely validates my various types of relationships (on and offline) has been pain. I figure, if I am able to feel some sort of pain (anger, sadness, fear, guilt, worry…) directly related to another person, that means I have a relationship with them.
I know it sounds weird, but because it’s a feeling about which I have no doubts (unlike love), I know it’s a valid feeling and therefore a valid relationship. Nevermind the times I’ve smiled because of an online friend or boyfriend, it’s the times I’ve cried because of one that assures me the relationship is real.
7 dandellion // Aug 31, 2007 at 2:49 pm
So many people don’t understand that internet is just one of many means of communication. No, it is not the telephone, it is much wider and bigger, but after all, there are real people behind it.
Recently, at the ending of one great weekend when a dozen of us were camping in the nature, one of my (now) RL friends said: “For me, it is still hard to believe, you go to the internet, have fun on-line and then you find a family.” And it is kind of unbeliveable for me too. But, we all had the good fortune to find ourselves in each other’s “extended networks” (on-line friends of on-line friends) and one of us just started a PHPBB forum… Three and a half years later, we have an unknown number of relationships behind us, thousands of stories and photographs, dozens of jobs and projects, the first kid :o) and… one big family of real friends. (As I am writing this, one of them is ringing the door bell, and will correct my terrible grammar.)
Even in Second Life, where I play more of an immersionist and mostly don’t have a clue who all those people are on the other side, I consider them friends. Nevermind if we all play different characters than we are in RL, there is something that is behind all the characters and avatars. At least, we share the experience of one new world, of things that the generations before us never even dreamed of. We’re discovering something very new. And we are doing it together despite the time zones and distances.
8 FS34000 // Sep 3, 2007 at 6:56 am
Regina,
Not to take anything away from your comments/reactions, but what I find interesting is the potential psychological impact of being held up to a virtual standard:
“Basically, the other person is widowed,” she says. “This other life is so wonderful; it’s better than real life. Nobody gets fat, nobody gets gray. The person that’s left can’t compete with that.”
The real issue here is the virtual home wrecker. I would hate to have my flabby ass dumped, by my flabby assed partner for a virtual hardbody.
FS